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Old 03-19-2012, 01:57 PM
assiac assiac is offline
Truffle Shuffler
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 4
Default Diary of a Demon

The Cowboy

Dear Diary,
Today I was in the tavern when I noticed a sad looking man. I tried to avoid him, because in the past he has asked me to do all manner of silly things and I somehow cannot resist him. Once again I found myself sympathizing with his plight, or failing that, lusting after his gold which he passes out rather liberally in exchange for performing these degrading jobs.

“Welcome! Welcome! I have a great quest that is waiting just for you! Look, what a pretty cow! You have to carry it because can’t walk. Take it to the Busted Lands. And no time for coffee breaks! Got it?”

I arose from the table with a heavy heart. Actually, pretty much everything felt heavy, this cow was not light. The prospect of facing the busted lands with a cow on my back and no coffee was a dismal one, yet I was undaunted; a hero’s life is rarely easy.

Pink lightning crashed around me… why it was pink or why it was happening when there was no storm, I do not claim to know. I just know that it is always so when on the route to the Busted Lands. The cow got heavier and heavier, and while my taskmaster felt it was pretty, I failed to appreciate the beast’s charms.

As a demon I sometimes take pleasure in perverting requests. This job was becoming a prime candidate for a little demonic shenanigans, but what to do? I could not pass instantly to the busted lands nor could I find someone to take the cow there and because it was lame it could not be directed there itself.

And then it hit me, that is, an idea came to me as a lightning bolt started a fire in some brush nearby. I slaughtered that silly cow and made it into steaks which I cooked over the lucky fire-- 'Well done' of course, for that is how Hellish cuisine is ordinarily prepared. I sprinkled it liberally with the hotsauce I always carry and ate one delicious steak after another all the way to the Busted Lands. When I got there I met up with a monster which was all too happy to help me finish what was left before our summary duel. I left the bovine skull as proof that I had carried out the deed and returned for my reward. Mission accomplished!
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Old 03-20-2012, 07:03 AM
assiac assiac is offline
Truffle Shuffler
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 4

Dear Diary,

The blonde tourist looked like an easy mark. I stood nearby and watched him fumble with his maps and guidebooks. He clearly had too much gold on his hands and was looking for a little action. I cleared my throat to get his attention.

“If you have nothing better to do, listen to this. See this empty chest of gold? Carry it to Magmaron. Shouldn’t be a problem for a hotshot like yourself. And while you’re at it, get me some cookies!”

My eyes narrowed as I surveyed the item. An empty chest of gold? In what sense could an empty chest be ‘of gold’. But the man was in no mood for my questions… he was nattering on about cookies now. I picked up the chest and got out of there before he asked me to shine his shoes in the bargain.

Now about Magmaron, you either love it or you hate it. The temperature is above the boiling point of water and there’s a great deal of liquid rock welling out of the ground – hence magma-ron. Me, I love it, and it’s the perfect place to dispose of goods that you’d rather not be found in possession of. I’m guessing the chest was taken in a crime, and that the gold had been otherwise disposed of now. At any rate, that was none of my concern, I’m just the bagman in this little caper.

The journey was uneventful and I spent rather longer than necessary finding a good spot to dispose of the chest. Night had fallen and I watched the box burn in the flowing lava, a relaxing pastime really, until I realized that the hinges and corner pieces were shiny now and not disintegrating, they were made of gold!! They were so covered with dirt that I hadn’t realized it before, I reached in to try and grab them and that’s when it attacked.

It was a Horror of the night with his sword raised high. I managed to fend off his first blow with minor damage, but moving in the lava was like moving in mud. He had me at a disadvantage. The battle was not going well as we exchanged blows so I backed up into the center of the pool and tread lava.

He hesitated at the edge and dared me to come at him, his eyes glowing with malice. I’m a warrior, not a scout, so I’m not proud of what I did next. I hurled a hunk of lava at him and splattered him good. He didn’t like it or so I assumed from the ear splitting screech. I formed a theory then that horrors of the night are not immune to heat as demons are. We battled then me tossing lava and him throwing rocks and trying to reach me from the edge of the pool. It was a battle he couldn’t win. Soon he slunk off to go horrify someone else’s night.

I had lost all but one hinge of the golden box to the lava and it wasn’t worth looking for now. I got a nice skin treatment though, even humans like the feel of pumice though of course they don’t care for it fresh.

I bought a sack of cookies on the way back: chocolate chip - i hope the tourist's teeth rot from 'em. Either way i got my reward and he threw in a mushroom for my discretion concerning the matter. But you won't tell, will you dear diary?

Last edited by assiac; 03-20-2012 at 07:05 AM.
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Old 03-21-2012, 08:13 AM
assiac assiac is offline
Truffle Shuffler
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 4

Dear Diary,
The blonde woman in the corner seemed to be looking for someone special. I went to the bar and ordered whiskey. Oh I do so love whiskey, the fire in the throat and warm feeling, but even more so how it rots humans from the inside out, what a marvelous invention by Our Father Below – all praise and fear be to his name. I was so caught up in my revelry that my mind took a moment to process the summoning:

“Hey pssst!”

I turned arching my eyebrows to the woman who narrowed her eyes and spoke.

“Yes, you! I need a golden suit of armor made out of copper. Go to the Shadowrock Mountain. There is an old dragon will help you, unless he decides to kill you first. Just make sure that the armor is gold plated, but not made out of massive gold. It could get heavy. Stay cool.”

She said this last bit with a smirk on her face. Its easy to ‘stay cool’ in the Shadowrock Mountains, they are snow capped year round. As a demon I cannot be injured by cold, but I don’t care for it and it does take a lot of energy out of me to combat its effects. I ordered a flask of whiskey for the road and set off.

The path up the mountain winds a great deal, it’s a temptation to just try and climb the steep parts and speed things up a bit. But no, I plodded on and listened to the howling of the wind which is comforting; it sounds like the desperate lonely cries of the damned. I put aside the homesickness and passed over the footbridge to where the dragon should be. Imagine my surprise when I found the skeleton of a dragon covered with icicles. An adventurer had gotten here before me, I surmised, but will the armor still be here?

I searched for the horde, but it had been rifled through; it was just empty crates now. I sought amongst the creature's bone pile and found various scraps of armour, a few were bronze but nothing gold plated. Hmmm.

Inspiration struck and I took a nice flat dragon bone and used it for an anvil. Dragon bones are harder than steel, even when old. I started a nice fire using the scraps of clothing that were around and my own tinder, flint and steel. I set to work making gold plating out of some gold coins I had, hammering them out with a warhammer and then soldering them to the bronze armor pieces. Bronze is a copper alloy, by the way, and the mission had not specified pure copper.

There! Good as gold and mission accomplished.

As I set off back to the tavern across the footbridge I was surprised by a thief who appeared at the end of the bridge with a crossbow and a long knife. He demanded my money and he had the better ground as I could get no footing on the bridge nor turn around without being riddled with crossbow shots. He was also very good with his blade, effortlessly parrying my blows and nicking me to pieces as I wobbled unsteadily on the planks. When my foot went through the bridge I lost my weapon into the ravine below. Now this was rather awkward. My shield would hold him a short while, but then what?

I decided on a bold gamble – after he broke through and struck me on the chest I fell back and lay motionless with eyes closed. He came closer, surveyed me and then started searching for my purse. I waited until I could feel his garlic and beer laden breath then grabbed at his garment. He was surprised by this, but nearly as much as he was surprised when I rolled us both off the bridge. We hung there for a moment suspended by my one foot and I enjoyed the white terror in his eyes. The foot came loose and we plummeted to his death. I was knocked unconscious for some hours as well, but my demonic regeneration kicked in as it always does whereas the Thoughtless Thief had the disadvantage of mortality.

I collected my weapon, and his gold, and the armor which was scattered about and returned for my reward. Another long day, dear diary, but very profitable; I have added another soul to the clutches of hell and strengthened my earthly powers.
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:23 AM
assiac assiac is offline
Truffle Shuffler
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 4

"A Mysterious Key"

Dear Diary,

Upon one of my countless errands for the tavern fools, I encountered a witch. My natural instinct is to sit down and have drink with her. She is after all a creature like me, of pure evil; she also had the most lovely green skin. All I really needed to do for the quest was drop off a bag of socks, so there was absolutely no need for combat. I commenced to explain about the socks and wouldn’t you know it? She emitted this ridiculous cackle and then cast a spell at me.

Yet another battle in a long string of senseless fights, not that it bothered me, you understand, I minored in senseless killing in college. Senseless killing is loads of fun, but it does not always serve the purposes of our Father Below. Some souls are not yet ripe, children for instance, killing them only allows them to eternally escape our clutches, not at all worth the momentary adrenalin rush. And killing the very evil before their time can actually limit the opportunity to do evil on this plane of existence, again a mistake. In fact really the only benefit you can count on is that senseless killing invokes rage and unforgiveness which is an excellent tool to use with the living.
You would think that I would not have time for all these thoughts when encountering a witch, but you’d be wrong. An internal philosophical discussion is more polite than yawning, and I am normally polite.

When it was over the witch lay motionless and I noticed she was wearing a necklace with a key. I picked it up and it was cold as a witch’s breast! That only made sense at first, since I took it from a witch’s breast. However the key maintained its coolness all the way back to the tavern and I began to realize it was more than a pretty adornment on a necklace.

What does the key open? I asked the bartender, but he only tried to purvey his wares on me with a ridiculous smile. And when I asked the cloaked man hiding behind the board in the tavern, he ignored my question and started yammering about yet another supersecret mission. I should have known better. So for now, I shall keep an eye out on my journeys and seek sources of information at the arcane Forum Library.

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